Limericks for May 12th

Happy Birthday Limericks for Annette and Lauranne

A toddler whose nickname was Netty
Is eighty-three now. Throw confetti!
She’s a sweet, impish gal
Dresses with chick style
Want some fun? She’s willing and ready!
-Carol Ritten Smith

There is a grand dame from Rocky
Who will give you an earful, if you’re cocky
But she’ll be nice as can be
A real English cup of tea
If you are a puppy, a kitten or a jockey
-Lauranne Hemmingway

It’s your birthday today, dear Annette
But we can’t come see you, I regret
Instead, we’ll wish you many more
With good health in great store
And we’ll celebrate soon, you can bet. 😊
-Patricia O’Neill

Did you know that Lauranne Hemmingway
Is celebrating a birthday today?
Some think she’s a saint
But I know that she ain’t.
She’s a bit of an imp, I dare say.
-Carol Ritten Smith

Lauranne, you’re a bit of an instigator too
Making me do things I never thought to
With your, ‘sure you can’ smile
And you’re take charge kinda style
Sure makes me glad I know you.
-Patricia O’Neill

“It’s our birthdays,” I said to Lauranne.
“We can celebrate, and I have a plan.
We’ll wait until dark,
Set off firecrackers in the park.”
She said, “No way! There’s a fireworks ban.”
-Annette Gray

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Limericks for May 6th

There was once a pony named Rea
who was loyal as loyal could be.
When she raced out the gate,
She was loyal to her mate,
but she kicked the ’ell out of me.

-Annette Gray

Cat For Sale © Annette

My kitty-cat’s been well fed today.
Is she grateful and pleasant? No way!
She crept up on my chair,
clawed my arm, leg and hair.
Now she’s listed for sale on E-bay.

-Annette Gray

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Limericks for April 28th

A little radio station named CKUA
Set a record today
There was fear that their spring fund-raiser would flop
But listeners sent it over the top
Without a nickel of government pay
-John Burnham

There once was a preacher named Foley
Who considered himself quite holy
‘til temptation made a call
and caused his downfall
Now his sermons are quite drolly.
-Patricia O’Neill

Years ago a man named Penderquist
Suffered a bad break in his left wrist.
“We’ll get you right in.
It just needs a pin.
Poor guy’s still on the waiting list!
-Carol Ritten Smith

There were three wisemen, so jolly
Voted into power by folly
They soon came undone
Though they had a good run
When the people hung them high, by golly.
-Lauranne Hemmingway

A pirate amassing great treasure
Loved his gold coins beyond all measure.
Why does he crave wealth?
It’s all about health.
Counting coins lowers his blood pressure.
-Carol Ritten Smith

There once was a lad quite unique
With a wonderfully robust physique
But he took it for granted
His workout ethic recanted
Now he’s just flabby and weak.
-Patricia O’Neill

Back in the days of Yore
When folks had less, not more
They seemed more contented
Didn’t take things for granted
There’s a lesson there, for sure.
-Patricia O’Neill

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Limericks for April 21st

I drove my old car to Nairobi
It looked good but sputtered too loudly
We were just part way there
I got gum in my hair
Looked fine with hair curled resourcefully
-Shirley Kabachia (My Old Car)

A narcoleptic named Jimmy Jake,
Fell asleep while eating a tough steak.
All believed he had choked
And definitely croaked,
Til he stood up and spoke at his wake.
-Carol Ritten Smith

I’d never make it in days of old
When it was custom to dunk the common scold
Who got to squawk
Or even talk?
Punishment harsh for being bold.
-Lauranne Hemmingway

When I was young and foolish
Not at all inclined to be schoolish
Instead, I was boy crazy
Or, maybe I was just lazy
Slackin’ off seemed to be cool-ish.
-Patricia O’Neill

There once was a knight named Jerome
Who traveled far away from his home
He got into a fight
With a dragon one night
Let’s just say, he no longer needs a comb.
-Patricia O’Neill

Once upon a time in Roanoke
There lived an old witch named Annie Croke
She cast a wicked spell
On her younger sister Nell
Who still can’t talk, but boy can she croak.
-Patricia O’Neill

There once was a shaggy big dog called Mops
Owner declared, as protector, he flops
Greets thugs with wags and sloppy licks
Showed burglars where to use lock picks
Withheld welcome kisses and bit the cops.
-Lorraine Feldberg

There was a dragon named Thane
A proper dragon’s calling he did distain
Instead of distressing damsels
And turning farmsteads to shambles,
He wanted to clerk in petticoat lane
-John Burnham

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Limericks for April 14th

There was an inconsolable leper
Repulsed by the taste of pepper
He whined while he dined
Quite out of his mind
Lamenting his time as a high stepper.
-Lauranne Hemmingway

There’s a writers’ group named the INK
Whose morale has begun to shrink
We can’t meet as before.
The virus keeps us indoors
Now that’s a darn shame; don’t you think?
-Annette Gray

By my side is my handy iPhone
Texts come to me when I’m alone
I’m keeping in touch,
With X, Y, and such.
My bill it is in the high zone.
– Michelle T. Lambert

There once was a girl with a cat
White/black striped, from tail to its back.
This Peppermint was her dear friend
Who poisoned it in the end?
She missed her sweet cat, that’s a fact.
– Michelle T. Lambert

She thought she was being so smart
She took a short cut in the dark,
Her boot fast it stuck
‘twas quicksand and muck…
They’re laughing at her in the park.
-Michelle T. Lambert

There once was a guy from Quebec
Had Pain in the Butt, not his neck.
The W Comp that he bought
Was not the Prep H as he ought.
Now Ring of Fire, it hurts like heck.
– Michelle T. Lambert

There once was a woman from Spain
Who went to Morocco by train
Before she arrived
She was no longer alive
So. Who had something to gain?
-Whodunit Patricia O’Neill

There once was a guy from Mombai
Who, at first glance, seemed really quite shy
Until he did dance
And put all in a trance.
As he fluttered about like a butterfly.
-Patricia O’Neill

He leaned on the bar, tall and lanky
A passing lady dropped her hankie
Quickly, he picked it up
In this game, no pup
He knew ’twas an invite for hanky-panky

– John Burnham

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More Limericks!

This week’s batch of limericks…

Once in a while we forbid
Things that were fun that we did
We blush and demure
But secretly purr
Who do we think we kid?
-Lauranne Hemmingway

Here I sit, writing a limerink
Searching for words that are shimerink
To lighten the day
And cheer the way
For the good folks at Writers’ Ink
-John Burnham

There once was a gal you all know
Who came up with her own placebo
When 7 would come
She’d gargle Lamb’s Rum
Did it keep her well? I know so!
-Patricia O’Neill

There once was a frog named Herbert
Who issued a challenge to cousin Kerbert
To see who could croak the louder of the two
So loud that cow Betsy silenced them with a startled moo
And the championship went to Not-Even-in-the-Running Albert
-Lorraine Feldberg

There was a man from Nantucket (yes, I’m going there)
Puked up his guts in a bucket
He said to friend, Dave
To liquor I’m a slave
“Then take the damn bottle and chuck it.”
-Patricia O’Neill

There once was a novelist named Hemmingway.
Who wrote dark witty stuff, so his fans say.
But we don’t give a snit
For ol’ Earnest’s dark wit
We prefer Lauranne Hemmingway’s limericks any day.
-Ode to Lauranne by Annette Gray

Dogs are happy ’cause their people can’t hide;
a nasty virus keeps pet-owners inside.
With treats and petting, canines are glad.
Whether big or small, a dog’s life isn’t bad,
While cats are contemplating suicide
-Annette Gray

There is a dear Newfy we love
sent to us from Heaven above.
We’re all very lucky
when she calls us all “Ducky”
to give our writing an encouraging shove.
-Annette Gray

Another day here at home
Room to room for mind to roam
Zoom, Google Hangout and Facetime chats
Replacing friends and family empty door mats
Virtually together in this with music and word, not alone.
-Together at Home © Barb Rusiewicz-Enright

There was an old fart in Nantucket
Who collected his crabs in a bucket.
When he went for a beer
They said, “Those can’t come in here!”
So he threw up his hands and said “Good night.”
-Cheers! Cat Funk

There once was a stinker named Bradley
The ladies all loved him quite madly
He charmed them all day
Till he soon got his way
It all ended really quite badly
-Mary Lou De Rider

A burglar got hung up on a nail
Through the window he missed that detail
Said, “This job really sucks.”
“But it pays some big bucks,”
Now he’s writing his memoirs in jail
-Mary Lou De Ridder

 

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Limericks!!

Here they are folks. Our first batch of limericks. Thanks to Patricia for pulling this together.

 

There once was an old woman who wrote;
She kept all her words in a tote.
Her laptop, you see,
Was jammed A to Zee,
And just kept on getting her goat.
-Kathleen Piesse

In my pocket, a flip-phone doth lurk
I don’t need it for communicating or work
it’s there to avoid strife
it’s there so my wife
Has a leash she can jerk
-John Burnham

There once was a pretty tri-colored parrot
Who thought to swoop down on the garden for a carrot
Then the leafy bean plants and potatoes began to shake
The disbelieving parrot squawked, “For goodness sake!”
For there came a carrot thief in the form of a ferret.
-Lori Feldberg

An innocent man named LaCruz
Was one day away from the noose
A sweet, single female
Broke LaCruz out of jail
They mounted her horse and vamoosed.
-Carol Ritten-Smith

There was an old woman from Red Deer
Who said, “I don’t know why I stay here”.
Her dog pressed his wet nose
‘gainst her big naked toes
“Ah, now I do know why I’m still here.”
-Shirley Kabachia

 
There once was a man named Daryl
Who wore really wacky apparel
One day, just for fun
That old son of a gun
Went over the falls in a barrel.
-Patricia O’Neill

Everyday I have a spat
with my durn ol’ pussy cat.
She scratches some;
I swat her bum.
It’s claw and broom–tit for tat.
-Annette Gray

My cat’s a dedicated birder
Never a mouse murderer.
She annoys the ….ell out of me
When she catches a chickadee
And I’m helpless to restrain ‘er.
-Annette Gray

You may think my kitty-cat’s mean,
but she’s not as bad as she seems.
When she’s hungry she scratches.
When she’s fed she relaxes
and curls up with her bird stalking dreams.
-Annette Gray (she thought it was one a day, very prolific!)

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